


Miscolored

by mscharlottebell



Category: Kpop - Fandom, VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mpreg, tw: abortion, tw: attempted suicide, tw: depression, tw: minor character death, tw: miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-03
Packaged: 2018-04-02 18:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4070008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mscharlottebell/pseuds/mscharlottebell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jaehwan can’t understand how he feels, it’s too complicated; he feels invaded, feels dysmorphic and wrong, like he’s being taken over from the inside and he hates it. Like he’s been infected. He never wanted this, never asked for this. His lifestyle didn’t support any family because he had none, and didn’t want any."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miscolored

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shineforvixx](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=shineforvixx).



> Helloooo! This was sent in as a prompt on tumblr by shineforvixx, an actual angel/ray of sunshine. I've never actually been asked to write mpreg before, so I was stoked to do something new! 
> 
> Just a heads up, there are some trigger warnings in the tags. Please take them seriously. 
> 
> Please also remember to leave a comment because feeding the author will lead to bigger, better, longer (smuttier) fics! <3 
> 
> find me on tumblr @ charlotteconflicted

The first thought Jaehwan had when he stretched his limbs across the mattress was that his horrific hangover was worth it because the sex had been incredible. He rolled onto his stomach, out of last night’s clingy arms (but shit, they were nice arms, and he congratulated himself about it) so his face was planted firmly on the pillow, and knew that the smile on his lips spoke of his sated thirst. It had been too long since he’d gone out just for the sake of going out. Since Taekwoon left, he’d been trying to get back on his feet, trying to forget--to make it back to how he felt before they ever met. Trying to get back to himself, to forget how to care about someone after he fucked them. 

He peeled his eyes open, already irritated by the amount of light in the unfamiliar apartment. He thought about disappearing before the man with orange hair (won...stick, wonkick, won...something) woke up because if his intense need to cuddle was any indication, he’d be the sort to flutter his eyelashes and make breakfast and coffee and Jaehwan didn’t want that. He just wanted someone to fuck him properly. 

He tried to put off getting up, but the man next to him was waking more and more frequently and he didn’t want to risk the awkward “no, I don’t want to have breakfast with you, I just wanted your dick so don’t bother with niceties” conversation. He smothered his groan of regret as he sat up, his head giving a hearty throb from last night’s festivities. He vaguely remembered where he’d flung his clothes the night before in his haste, and was fully dressed when he turned around to look at the still-sleeping man on the bed. 

He was fucking beautiful, there was no denying that. He had a strong forehead and high cheekbones, a distinct nose and incredible muscles underneath sunny, golden skin. His hair was an orange tangle on the pillow, like a miscolored flame; his chest rose and fell steadily. Jaehwan drank him in greedily, every little detail-even the “YOLO” tattoo under his collarbone, because a lay like that was hard for him to come by and if he could get it again, he might just consider it. 

Jaehwan wasn’t the sentimental sort. He wasn’t interested in commitment or mushy, romantic nonsense. Taekwoon had been an exception (and a mistake). But his stomach gave a small twinge when he turned to leave and Jaehwan wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even himself, would deny it if he were asked. But something about that man lying on the bed (now snoring quite loudly) made his guts tie themselves in knots. 

He scribbled his phone number on a mostly-empty piece of sheet music on the table. Jaehwan thought to himself that if the man with orange hair was ever brave enough to call a number he didn’t remember having writing down, he may just let said stranger take him out for dinner next time. 

~~

He called Hongbin to gleefully recount the dirty details of the mind-blowing sex he’d had the night they’d gone out together, and Hongbin had congratulated him on finally getting laid. 

“It’s been months, Jaehwan. I was honestly starting to think you’d never fuck anyone again.” Hongbin had joked. 

Two months ago, that would have made Jaehwan’s heart twinge. Taekwoon hadn’t left him on good terms, and Jaehwan had taken it personally. It was hard not to, when his partner left to be with someone “more serious” and broke off their stupid little “engagement” in the process. But Jaehwan had told Taekwoon from the start that “serious” wasn’t his thing; he didn’t do commitment, not really, and no matter how hard he’d tried to shape himself to be what was good for Taekwoon, in the end he couldn’t change who he was. 

But hearing about it now, Jaehwan laughed out loud and it felt good. 

“Come on, Bean, you know I’m a fucking slut. I just had to get thirsty enough first.” He scoffed. “Which reminds me, who was that mega-babe you left with the other night?! I thought he was a bit girlier than your usual type, you little bottom bitch.” 

Hongbin’s embarrassed laugh rang in his ears and Jaehwan felt at peace. 

“Oh, that’s Kibum, don’t let him fool you...” 

When Jaehwan hung up the phone that night, he slid between his sheets feeling like maybe he was going to be okay after all. 

~~

He pretended he wasn’t waiting for an unknown number to pop up on his screen, but with each passing day, he felt a little more glum about it. 

~~

A month later, he started throwing up in the mornings, and wondered if it was because of his new medication. He didn’t think much about it until the second week in, weakly hovering over the toilet at work, wiping the spit and vomit from his chin and wondering if he should call his doctor. The stranger still hadn’t called. Jaehwan pretended to not notice, or care. 

When he entered the third week of being sick every morning and hating the way literally everything tasted, he figured he should at least do something. 

~

He didn’t call his doctor though. He called Hakyeon. 

“Well, what are the side effects of your new meds?” His friend chirped at him, sounding more like a nagging mother than a young man. 

“I don’t know, vomiting, dizziness, diarrhea, all the usual bullshit.” Jaehwan grunted, rubbing his palm across his forehead. 

“When did it start?” 

“A few weeks ago, which is why I thought it was weird, I started the meds almost two months before that and there weren’t any problems...” 

“Oh, really? That is weird. I--Jaehwan,” Hakyeon said suddenly, and the sudden alarm in his voice made Jaehwan uneasy. 

“Yeah....?” He answered cautiously. 

“When did you go out with Hongbin?” 

Jaehwan’s brow furrowed in confusion. 

“Uuh, a month ago, maybe? Why? That has nothing to do with--” 

“Who did you go home with?” 

“What?!” 

“Did you go home with someone that night?” Hakyeon emphasized every syllable, his voice low and clear. Jaehwan’s already upset stomach began to tighten nervously. 

“Why the fuck does it matter?!” he responded peevishly, rubbing his temples. Perhaps calling “Momma Cha” had been a mistake, after all. 

“Because this sounds an awful lot like what happened to me when I found out...about...you know.”

Hakyeon trailed off suggestively, and it took Jaehwan a moment to grasp what he meant. The baby, Jaehwan realized with a jolt of adrenaline heating his veins. Jaehwan’s stomach disappeared, dropped straight through the floor and melted into the lava at the molten center of the earth. He swore the entire world stopped moving, stopped breathing, for those brief moments when his ears were ringing and he became suddenly aware that the only thing holding him to the planet was gravity. 

“What.” He finally said, a little dumbly. 

He heard Hakyeon shifting around on the other end of the phone. 

“Jaehwan, I’m not trying to freak you out-” 

“You’re failing.” 

“But... I mean, I know you went home with someone, that was the whole reason you went out in the first place. Getting laid. Do you remember his name?” 

Jaehwan blinked at the wall, acutely aware of the space around him, trying very hard to not think about the words that had just come out of Hakyeon’s mouth. There was no way, there was literally no way--

“Jaehwan!!” 

“WHAT, Jesus, fuck, what?!” 

“Pay attention!” Hakyeon snapped in his ear. Jaehwan tried not to crush his phone in his fist. “Do you remember his name?” 

“No.” He said, and his voice sounded a little hollow, slightly drawn. There’s no way, honestly, that wouldn’t happen to me, I’m way too careful. 

“Were you still on the pill at the time?” Hakyeon prompted, and it’s like he knew all the places to touch to rile Jaehwan’s anxiety beyond the point of manageability. He didn’t want to answer that question. 

“Jaehwan?” Hakyeon probed again, a little more gently. Jaehwan didn’t answer, because no, he hadn’t been on the pill at the time, he’d been in the process of changing medications to manage his libido and his anxiety, and he hadn’t yet started the newest cycle of pills, holy shit-- 

“Jaehwan, you need to take a test.” Hakyeon said quietly, and Jaehwan slammed his thumb against the “end call” button sixteen times more than he needed to before he was able to calm down. 

His hand hovered his stomach, his throat clenching as tears pricked the backs of his eyes. 

There’s no way. It would never happen to me. 

~~

It happened, and Jaehwan cursed at the second blue line on his third pregnancy test and snapped it in half before snatching a fourth one out of the box. 

~~

Not an hour later, his phone rings. It’s a number he doesn’t recognize and he wants to throw up his own insides. 

It’s the stranger, Jaehwan realizes with a thrill when that low, gravelly voice shoot straight from the phone to his dick. He stutters through the voicemail, explaining that he was looking for Ken (is that really the name Jaehwan had given him, jesus, he needed to come up with a better alias) and that he was sorry if he had the wrong number. 

He didn’t leave a name. 

Jaehwan didn’t call him back, just ripped open the second box of pregnancy tests, convinced that the whole batch in the first box had been faulty. 

~~  
Jaehwan turned up at Hakyeon’s apartment later that night a sobbing mess, barely held together at the seams, still holding the pregnancy test (the ninth one he’d taken that day) in his shaking hands when Hakyeon opened the door. 

Hakyeon didn’t question him, and Jaehwan was thankful-just pulled Jaehwan’s trembling body into his arms and kissed his forehead as he cried late into the night, his fingers curling into anguished fists that wanted to beat against his belly, but instead beat against the mattress. 

~~ 

He knew where the man lived because he’d had to walk home the next morning, but Jaehwan didn’t go see him immediately despite Hakyeon’s urging. He needed some time and space to think, to clear his head. He wasn’t stupid, wasn’t a kid, he knew what his options were. He was twenty-three and he was pregnant. He kept repeating it to himself, trying very hard not to panic and failing. 

Male pregnancies weren’t all that uncommon, not since the equalizer had become a required injection for all young boys several decades ago; but they were still extremely high-risk. No one knew that better than Hakyeon. 

The stranger called twice more, but didn’t leave voicemails. After that, the phone calls stopped. 

~~

Jaehwan had gone with Hakyeon to the doctor’s office five years ago when Hakyeon had found out Minho had gotten him pregnant before he went and got himself killed in the military. Jaehwan held his hand through the first ultrasound and had been with Hakyeon all the way through it, all the way from the baby shower Jaehwan planned himself to the waiting room in the maternity ward where the doctor told him with a straight face and pinched eyes that Hakyeon had made it, but his little girl hadn’t. 

Jaehwan hadn’t cried, at least not in front of Hakyeon, although he thinks now that he should have. He’d thought his lack of tears meant that he was being strong, meant he wasn’t letting his own emotions about his still-born god daughter take away from Hakyeon’s grieving. 

But when he found himself once more in Hakyeon’s bed, his head against his friend’s shoulder as they cried together, he thought there was nothing more important than the fact that Hakyeon understood this perfectly, and wept openly because of it. 

~~ 

Jaehwan hated kids. He hated relationships, at least romantic ones, didn’t ever want a family and never had; thought that marriage was absolutely ridiculous and hated when people tried to change his mind about it. But he loved sex, and he was good at having it with no strings attached. Sex was something he needed, like people needed a drink or a cigarette, and he’d never felt particularly ashamed of it. So when he needed it and didn’t want to go out, he called someone. 

Hongbin spread him out on the bed, fucked him hard and slow with his knees hooked over Hongbin’s elbows, gave Jaehwan two orgasms in the time it took Hongbin to finish once. Jaehwan knew he should have told him before they got started, but he needed to get off, needed to let himself out of his own head for a while so he did it the only way he knew how. And besides, Hongbin hadn’t asked, had just said he’d be right over when Jaehwan told him what he needed, had laughed with a raised eyebrow when Jaehwan swatted the condom from his hand and said, “Just pull out.” 

Hongbin wasn’t the best in bed, wasn’t the man with orange hair and fire in his fingertips, but he was good, and Jaehwan sank back into his mattress with a relieved sigh after he cleaned himself off. Hongbin, ever the neat-freak, opted for a shower. 

He lit a cigarette when he got back to the bed, wearing the briefs Jaehwan bought him for his birthday last year. He raised the carton and lighter in offering, his eyebrows disappearing into his wet hair when Jaehwan shook his head. 

“Never known you to say no to a post-sex smoke, Jaehwan.” Hongbin teased, but Jaehwan heard the frown in his voice. 

“I’m pregnant.” He offered, pleased by the fact that his voice didn’t shake. 

Hongbin laughed, and Jaehwan pictured the way the sound shaped the smoke that blew past his lips. 

“Very funny, Jaehwan.” he said fondly. 

“No, I’m serious. I’m pregnant.” 

An uneasy silence. Jaehwan’s stomach turned nervously. 

“What...?” Hongbin breathed. 

“I’m almost two months pregnant. I don’t know the guy’s name. It happened that night you met Kibum.” 

The air was absolutely still for a moment before it was disrupted by a flurry of coughing and swearing. Jaehwan laid calmly with his hands under the back of his head, eyes closed and a serene look on his face. 

“What the fucking Hell, Jaehwan, what is your fucking problem, are you JOKING? Because that is NOT funny-” 

“I’m not joking,” Jaehwan said evenly. “Why do you think I told you to forget the condom?” 

“What a waste of a smoke, god DAMN, Jaehwan! And, you told me to pull out, that’s not the same thing!” Hongbin hissed, and Jaehwan heard him hastily smash his cigarette into the ash tray. Jaehwan smiled a little at that, gave a little hum before he rolled onto his side and opened his eyes to face Hongbin. 

“You just gave me a booty call and didn’t think to tell me you’re pregnant before you let me fuck you?” Hongbin asked after a moment, a little stiffly. 

Jaehwan shrugged. “What’re you gonna do, get me extra pregnant, or something? Relax. He already knocked me up. You can’t make it worse.” he said flatly. 

Hongbin just glared at him. Jahwan picked at his comforter nervously. 

“When did you find out?” Hongbin asked tentatively. 

“Last week. Hakyeon pointed it out...the stuff I’d been feeling, the throwing up and food tasting weird...I was in the middle of changing meds at the time. I thought I was safe.” He laughed, and the sound was bitter. “I was wrong.” 

Hongbin fidgeted, looking at Jaehwan with numerous wrinkles between his eyebrows. 

“Are you... Did you....Have....” He cleared his throat, taking a deep breath. Jaehwan rested his head against the pillow with a sigh. 

“I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet, Bean. I haven’t told the guy. I know where he lives but I don’t know anything else about him. I don’t know if I’m gonna tell him at all.” 

Hongbin nodded, staring thoughtfully down at Jaehwan’s picking fingers. He reached out, fingertips stilling Jaehwan’s hand where it worried a loose thread on his quilt.

“It’s okay.” He said quietly. Jaehwan’s eyes began to water. “It’s okay to not know yet, Jaehwan.” 

Hongbin knew better than to embrace Jaehwan. He just let Jaehwan cry, face down in the pillow, silently shaking. His hands were gentle as they massaged the knots from Jaehwan’s shoulders. 

Jaehwan was glad that Hongbin was gone in the morning. 

~~

“You don’t owe him anything,” Hakyeon said bluntly. “You don’t have to tell him anything at all, if you don’t want to.” 

Jaehwan nodded, licking another stripe up his ice cream cone. He knew Hakyeon was right, but it only helped to temporarily soothe his anxiety and did nothing to help solve the dilemma. 

“Hey, just...” Hakyeon froze on the sidewalk, tugging Jaehwan’s wrist and looking into his eyes with such a pained expression that Jaehwan felt ill. 

“Just remember to think about the bigger picture, okay?” He finally said after a moment. Jaehwan nodded, knowing that what Hakyeon was actually saying was “please don’t do this if you aren’t sure about it.” He was good at reading between the notes of Hakyeon’s voice. 

Hakyeon held his hand all the way back to his apartment, and kissed him on the cheek before bounding up the stairs. 

~~ 

It’s been almost three months. 

His bump is starting to show. 

“You can’t put this off anymore, Jaehwan. You need to make a decision, or the legal termination date will pass--” 

“I fucking know that, Hongbin, would you please just shut up?” 

Hongbin looked startled, a little hurt. He’d never experienced that side of Jaehwan before. His pretty lips pressed in a firm line and he stood up, snatching his bag from the couch where he’d dropped it earlier and storming to the door. 

Jaehwan’s heart tightened in his chest. 

“Wait, Bean, please--” 

“Nope. No, Jaehwan I’m not playing this game with you anymore. You fucking decide, and soon, or you’re not going to GET a choice. You can’t just pretend this isn’t happening.” His voice dropped dangerously low and Jaehwan’s stomach shot to his toes. “You can’t pretend that this isn’t happening because that’s not fair to me, or that baby, or Hakyeon. When you’re ready to actually do something instead of sitting here wallowing in your own fucking misery, when you actually WANT any of the help Hakyeon and I have been trying to offer you, when you’re ready to stop being such a selfish fucking prick, you can call me. Until then, I’m not interested.”

Hongbin slams the door behind him so hard that the framed picture of Jaehwan and Taekwoon falls off the wall, the glass shattering when it hits the floor. 

Jaehwan sinks to the floor, laying his head on the carpet, breathes, and cries. 

~~ 

He stops taking calls from Hakyeon. 

He doesn’t call Hongbin, and Hongbin doesn’t call him. 

Jaehwan can’t understand how he feels, it’s too complicated; he feels invaded, feels dysmorphic and wrong, like he’s being taken over from the inside and he hates it. Like he’s been infected. He never wanted this, never asked for this. His lifestyle didn’t support any family because he had none, and didn’t want any. 

But then he thinks of Hakyeon, of the hollowed-out look in his eyes when he’d finally left the hospital after attempting suicide following his still-born baby’s birth. And it may have been years ago, but Jaehwan shudders when he thinks of the marks around Hakyeon’s neck, the rope-burn scars that will never truly fade that he covered with high shirt collars and scarves. When Jaehwan thinks of the nine hours Hakyeon had spent in labour trying to bring a life into the world, nine hours of grueling pain his body wasn’t truly ever meant for, Jaehwan realized that he didn’t want to suffer for nothing. Hakyeon had suffered bitterly, but at the end of it all, Minho was still dead, and so was their baby. 

But maybe that was the difference, he realized, his stomach turning nervously. Maybe he didn’t have to suffer for nothing. He didn’t remember much about that orange-haired man, but he remembered enough; his smile, his strongest facial features, the warmth of his hands. “I’m a musician,” he’d shouted to Jaehwan over the din of the bar, “I write and produce music.” 

Jaehwan closed his eyes for a moment, remembered the hot thrill of hands on his hips, his thighs. And it’s not right, this never should have happened to him, he was always so careful but sometimes, as Hakyeon would say, bad things happen. But maybe he didn’t have to do it alone. 

He pulled a shaky breath into his lungs, and before he could change his mind, his feet were in his shoes and he was out the door, his heart hammering in his throat as he headed for the orange-haired man’s apartment.


End file.
